Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
