I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
