you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
