Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
