Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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