the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
