The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
