worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
