When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
