I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He shit in the fireplace
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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