I hate your face
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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