she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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