Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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