you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
