3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
