You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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