Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize