My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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