The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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