Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
