would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
