masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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