The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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