yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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