Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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