And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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