I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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