I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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