i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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