Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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