it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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