when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
