Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
