either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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