he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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