His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
