Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
