so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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