Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
