Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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