I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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