my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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