After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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