I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
