dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
