i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
