his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
