we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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