It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
