apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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