apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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