She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
