who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
