If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
