Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
