I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
