he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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