i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
