come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
