I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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