TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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