the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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