I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
