About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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