my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
