HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
