This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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